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A Cautionary Tale
Written by Spodgy

This week's edition comes from a ward cubicle in Canyon Memorial. Ripmeanuwan, Aardwolf's newest elf adventurer is recovering from multiple fractures and abrasions. Again. Although heavily sedated and wracked with coughing fits, he has agreed to talk exclusively to the Gaardian.

"I'd been grinding for months (cough, cough). It was going to take me at least 3 months to remort at my present levelling rate. Then they introduced the donating double."

Ripmeanuwan stares into the distance, his face an impenetrable mask. For an instance, a smile touches his lips, before his face creases as he remembers less pleasant times.

"This was the answer to my prayers. I was getting up to 500xp a kill. I was unstoppable. The levels were just flying by. The procrastination just disappeared. My body was a machine, shifting seamlessly between campaigning, questing and straight grinding.

"After a while though, it just didn't seem enough anymore. The doubles just weren't giving me the hit I needed. I was becoming impatient with the long fights and the breaks for buying healing pots. I needed a bigger high."

Rip sighs heavily, and wraps his blanket round him protectively.

"I asked around. On the surface, most people were pretty-tight lipped, but there were some rumours. One night I was preparing for another double and a call came across the wire.. spellups 2s...

"Initially, I was a little scared. I didn't know if this was legit or not. I could be fine one minute, and be obliterated by a lightning bolt the next. But my curiosity got the better of me. I had to know what this new
craze was.

"When I got to the bottom of the street, there was a single robed figure floating in the air, illuminated by a street lamp. The darkness made it impossible to see the face under the hood.

"There were a small group of adventurers huddled in a corner Something for the weekend?across the street. Eventually one plucked up the courage to cross the street. He approached the figure and fell to his knees. The hooded figure slowly descended to the ground, and hands were placed on the adventurer's face.

"There was a light coming from the adventurer's face. And a loud roaring sound. When the light and noise died out, the adventurer was transformed. His body was huge, and his muscles rippled. And he was floating.

"I was both terrified and elated. Before I knew it, I'd ran across the street yelling 'do me! do me!'"

Rip's hands covers his face, and he starts to cry. He lies in silence for a while, drinks some water, composes himself and starts again.

"Everything was pretty much a blur after that. I knew I was there, in amongst the battle, but at the same time I wasn't. There were horrible faces, swinging axes and blood everywhere. At some point I lost conciousness, and when I woke up I was here."

One of the tree surgeons in the Tree of Life area retrieved CCTV footage from the night in question. Those readers of a delicate disposition should stop reading now.

(Ripmeanuwan's cleave **** PULVERIZES **** a parakeet)
(A parakeet is dead. Ripmeanuwan receives 123 experience points.)
(Ripmeanuwan receives 123 experience points courtesy of Aardwolf donations.)
"Come on!!! You want some?!?!?!"
(Ripmeanuwan's cleave **** DEMOLISHES **** a horsefly)
(A horsefly is dead. Ripmeanuwan receives 114 experience points.)
(Ripmeanuwan received 114 experience points courtesy of Aardwolf donations.)
"Right! You're next!"
*dink*
...
...
*dink*
...
...
THWACK!
"oooooooww."
THWACK! THWACK!
"Hey, do you think we can talk about this?"
THWACK! THWACK!
"I can't see!!!"
THWACK! THWACKETY-THWACK-THWACK
"I want my mommmmmmmmmmmmy!"
(A Hawk DOES UNSPEAKABLE THINGS TO Ripmeanuwan.)

 


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