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Penguins
Written by Fiendish

A penguin walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and he says, "Excuse me, have you seen my father?" The bartender eyes the penguin for a moment and replies, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

 

A flamingo walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and he says, "Excuse me, have you seen my father?" The bartender eyes the flamingo for a moment and replies, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

 

A penguin walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and he says, "Excuse me, have you seen my father?" The bartender eyes the penguin for a moment and replies, "I don't know. What does he look like?" The penguin says, "Like a flamingo."

 

A penguin walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and he says, "Excuse me, have you seen my father?" The bartender eyes the penguin for a moment and replies, "Yeah. He's right over there." The penguin looks over and then says, "Hey, how'd you know?"

 

A penguin walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and he says, "Excuse me, have you seen my father?" The bartender eyes the penguin for a moment and replies, "Hey, a talking penguin."

 

An astronaut walks into a bar. He looks around and says, "My god, it's full of penguins!"

 

A penguin walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Excuse me, have you seen my father?" The bartender eyes him for a moment and replies, "I don't know. What does he look like?" The penguin says, "He's about 50 inches tall standing on one leg, weighs roughly 10 pounds, has pink feathers, and he eats a lot of brine shrimp." The bartender answers, "Sure, I know the fellow. He's over in the corner talking to a flamingo."

 

A bartender walks into a bar. He goes up to the nearest penguin and says, "Excuse me, have you seen my father?" The penguin looks at the bartender and replies, "I am your father."

 

A flamingo walks out of a bar. So does the horse he rode in on.

 

A bartender considers a penguin, rubs his eyes, and says, "I should find my father."

 

A bar flamingos into the walk. He bartenders the look and fathers, "Seen me, excuse you have my look?" Don't I says, "Like eyes moment replies! Like eyes moment replies!"

 

A dingo steals a baby in a bar. Thank god for that, too; it was getting crowded.

 

And now, the Cuil theory of penguins...

1 Cuil: A penguin walks into a bar looking for his father. The bartender points at a hamburger.

2 Cuils: A penguin walks into a bar looking for his father, but it turns out that the bartender doesn't actually exist. In his place is a photo of the penguin's father resting on the ground.

3 Cuils: A penguin awakes as his father. He screams only to have beer fly from his lips. The world is in sepia.

4 Cuils: Why is a penguin speaking German? A mime cries softly as he cradles a young flamingo. The bartender stares at the penguin as the flamingo falls apart into pieces of his father. The penguin looks down only to see the bartender with bowties for eyes. The bartender is singing And then he said, "What is this, some kind of joke?"the song that gives birth to the universe.

5 Cuils: A penguin asks for his father. The bartender points at the father. The penguin looks at his father and smiles. The penguin's eye twitches involuntarily. Across the street a father of three falls down the stairs. The penguin looks at his father and smiles. The bartender points at the father. The penguin looks at his father and smiles. The penguin cannot smile. There are children at the top of the stairs. The father adjusts his bowtie uneasily. The bartender points at the father. The penguin looks at the bartender, and he is pleading with the penguin. The children are crying now. The penguin's eyes drift toward his father. Tears stream down his face as he looks at his father. The bartender points at the father. The penguin is on his knees. The penguin pleads with the bartender to go across the street. The bartender hears only children's laughter. The bartender points at the father. A penguin is screaming as he falls down the stairs. The bartender is the father. The penguin cannot see anything. The penguin looks at his father. The concrete rushes up to meet the penguin. The penguin awakes with a start in its own bed. The penguin's eye twitches involuntarily. The bartender points at the father. As a penguin kills a bartender, he does not make a sound. A bartender points at the father.

6 Cuils: A penguin asks to see his father. The bartender's attempt to reciprocate is cut brutally short as his body experiences a sudden lack of electrons. Across a variety of hidden dimensions the penguin is dismayed. John Lennon hands the bartender an apple, but it slips through his fingers. He is reborn as an ocelot. The penguin disapproves. A crack echoes through the universe in defiance of conventional physics as cosmological background noise shifts from randomness to a perfect A Flat. Children everywhere stop what they are doing and hum along in perfect pitch with the background radiation. Birds fall from the sky as the sun engulfs the earth. The penguin hesitates momentarily before allowing himself to assume the locus of all knowledge. Entropy crumbles as the penguin peruses the information contained within the universe. A small library in Phoenix ceases to exist. The penguin stumbles under the weight of everythingness, The penguin's mouth opens up to cry out, and collapses around its body before blinking it out of the spatial plane. The penguin exists only within the fourth dimension. The fountainhead of all knowledge rolls along the ground and collides with a small dog. The bartender's head tastes sideways as spacetime is reestablished, a penguin blinks back into the corporeal world disoriented, only for the bartender to point out his father as his body collapses under the strain of reconstitution. The universe has reasserted itself. A particular small dog is fed steak for the rest of its natural life. The penguin dies in a freak accident moments later, and its soul works at the returns desk for the Phoenix library. The penguin disapproves. Its disapproval sends ripples through the inter-dimensional void between life and death. A small child begins to cry as he walks toward the stairway where his father stands.

 

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